Tiny Plastic Houses

I can’t model for shit these days. I’ve tried a couple times, but I feel so fucking undesirable I just don’t know what to do. It’s my own fault, I suppose. I just try to fantasize about something, someone, some place… that I want, desire, long for and I’ve got nothing lately. I start, but it always turns badly and I end up feeling worse than when I started. (You know something’s wrong when even your fantasies reject you! lol

So, I’ve put a few goals on hold until I can figure out what I’m going to do… Of course, that saddens me, too and, before I know it, I’m in tears… No good at all!

(more…)

Thoughts About Insanity (Written in an email):
In my head I’m an 80 pound freak with twitchy, birdlike movements and tangled hair. I slink, head down… tilted to the side, like I’m listening for you.. waiting for you to call. You never do…

That’s the beast in my head… dark and ugly, scared, scarred and twisted… waiting for someone to kill it, squash it… destroy it…

Thoughts About My Past (Partial Tweet):
The cruelty suffered at the hands of men she held divine rendered her completely and irrevocably insane. One wonders if they nodded approvingly when they met on the street or if each held himself accountable for the destruction he’d wrought?

Thoughts About Sex vs. Love (Tweeted, then deleted):
When all you know is kink, normality becomes the perversion… I find myself longing for a lover to *love* me… As if that could happen! I am a freak… A fragment… alone. I was built to be what other people want me to be, be damned with myself. Unfortunately, I trust too much in others’ good intentions… very rarely do they pan out!

On my Disease (IM never sent):
There is nothing more depressing than knowing in 2 hours, you must take a shot that fucks with your head, makes you vomit, makes you miserably, alone, sad and in pain and knowing that, if you don’t take it… you could have all these problems, or worse, all the time…

On Danger (Unspoken thought):
You are dangerous… Even looking at you could break my heart. One insensitive word and I would stumble. Rejection? Definitely destructive… and all you can say is that I’m dangerous?!? I walk away and you would be fine. You walk away and I would be nothing. All you have to do is say you don’t care and my self-construct comes plummeting to the ground – And I’m dangerous… My dogmatic desire to make the world love me makes you inherently more dangerous  than I could ever be. Where I don’t want to hurt anybody, you want to push us all away… Danger is relative… You… are dangerous… I like dangerous.

Just a quick update

After I dyed my hair pink, it faded… badly. In fact, the color was almost all gone in 3 washings… No fun!

But, after much soul searching (and the discovery of a hopefully much better dye), I’ve returned to my pink roots.

A picture:

And a few more!

Have a great night and feel free to let me know what you think of this vibrant new color!

~H