Tiny Plastic Houses

Impotence

I can’t model for shit these days. I’ve tried a couple times, but I feel so fucking undesirable I just don’t know what to do. It’s my own fault, I suppose. I just try to fantasize about something, someone, some place… that I want, desire, long for and I’ve got nothing lately. I start, but it always turns badly and I end up feeling worse than when I started. (You know something’s wrong when even your fantasies reject you! lol

So, I’ve put a few goals on hold until I can figure out what I’m going to do… Of course, that saddens me, too and, before I know it, I’m in tears… No good at all!

I mean that, when I cry, I break. It physically hurts me. I will close my eyes tight and silent screams come forth. Facial features stretch into mockeries of what they once were. Eyes redden, tears… copious… sob’s (soul shaking, full of unbridled pain, suffering … like an abandoned child lost and alone.) Oh! and the hateful self-depreciating thoughts surface. Well, that’s when I cry out of mental anguish I’ve been told that when I cry out of love, compassion or when I’m happy, it can be pretty (I cry at almost every intense emotion I face… it’s my body’s natural response to emotional pain, stress or eustress – It’s just easier to control when and how when it’s happy.)

But this time, it is not happiness. It is the realization that you were stepping way over a line that should never have even been approached. It’s not disappointment as I did not really expect anything… It’s more kicking myself for thinking, just for a few minutes, that I was just as good as anybody else… I’m really not and I’ve known I was marked since I was a kid… too many bad things happening to someone so little for it not to be my problem, you know? Too much pressure, abandonment, social awkwardness, abuse, pain, fear, longing, suffering and tears for it not to have been, at least a little bit, my problem…

And there are plenty of studies linking intelligence and gender to severe depression ( http://is.gd/4R5Xo or http://is.gd/4R6bm – there are many to choose from) and, yeah, I suffer… a lot… and I read the studies, looking for that key to unlocking that door (the one opened eons ago when I was shoved through and no one has come back to let me out just yet. Sometimes people walk by, poke their fingers through the wires, but no one has really stayed long enough to help me figure out that fucking lock! Maybe there is no key? Just brief flashes of freedom seen reflected in the eyes of others?)

But, either way, I’ve found myself trapped at this point… not able to figure out how to get away from the me in my head that tells me just where my place is and why I will never leave it The one that won’t let me just say, dammit, then move on… because she wants to be certain I NEVER try that again. Never take a chance with people. Never trust anyone ever again… Never love anyone ever again… Never have friends.

And that’s where I sit… Realizing that I just can’t right now… Still a little bit broken Maybe tomorrow…

Fuck I hate myself sometimes…

~H

This entry was posted on Monday, November 9th, 2009 at 11:43 pm. It is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.