I feel old.

Not like I’m dying or past my prime but more like I’ve earned more years than I’ve actually experienced. As if all the stupid mistakes, odd happenings and general day-to-day has taken a larger toll than it should.

I’ve said, in the past, that giving up or reordering your dreams, big or small, takes a lot of work and the realization that you’re having to do that is even harder. I mean, I’m smart enough to know that those dreams will never happen, can never happen, but my soul is having a hard time dealing with the letting go. How does one let go when the dream is all she has left of what she once was? How do you let go of the ideals and dreams that are you?

Knowing that this, what’s available right this moment, is all there is can be both satisfying (freeing?) and yet constrictive and disheartening.

What does the soul do when it really ceases to believe in anything? Is that when we die? Is that when we become burnt out on life and turn the keys over to a new set of hopeful, fresh-faced youth? Is that when we become old?

If that is the case, then I feel the weight of experience and letdown pressing upon me like the weight of a thousand years. I’m ready to turn this bitch over to someone new, someone who feels meaningful…

I feel old.

The cover for our non-existant album: Alien Slugs & the Dirty, Dirty Dish Water

As a young child, I was obsessed with the overly dramatic. The flashy, the amazing, the unnatural, the fantastic… Bowie, Madonna, Toulouse-Loutrec, Love, Hensen, Escher… These media darlings, so intent on attention whoring, amazed and fascinated this latch-key kid from a small town. I would get out of class, walk the lonely walk home (Often going waaaay out of my way to walk people home who could care less if I was there or not just to have the company!) and spend my afternoons with a good book, a box of cookies, a piano and MTV a lot of MTV. For me, the Muppet-magic of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem turned into the real life antics of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. Soon came Madonna and by 16, I’d become a teenager partially raised by  these mavens of personality. The likes of Hole and Nine Inch Nails took over my sensibilities. Talent I had, but recognition I didn’t, so I traded sweet girl in plaid and curls for combat boots, flannel, leather, goth… Stripper-chic to librarian specs, I’ve tried them all and I have to say: I’m no good at any of them!

Over the course of my nearly 34 years, I’ve been crushed in a car and rebuilt, I’ve garnered a degree, with honors, and have taken on the pursuit of another, I’ve become a mother of twins… I’ve learned to play, marginally, the piano, the guitar, the drums and the game of rummy.  I’ve been diagnosed with MS, I’ve changed my hair color more times than I can recall. I’ve owned two houses, 7 cars and have lived in places as picturesque as the view from my old apartment downtown to as dingy as the mouse infested trailer I lived in during college. I’ve held the oddest sounding yet most mundane jobs you’d ever think of yet this desire for fame and attention, the need to create something that will add to society in some truly meaningful way or simply make people stop and think, remains…

Such is the conflict of life?

Meme: Give me a year between 0 and 34 and I will tell you about that year of my life. The number was 19.

My grandmother celebrating her 83rd Birthday

My mother was 25 when she had me and her mother was the same age when she had her. I’m not certain of the age of my great grandmother when she gave birth to my grandmother, but I’m pretty certain she was younger than that. I know that gram was an only child and that her mother was a fraternal twin, having a twin brother who had, at various events and reunions, been pointed out to me as such. However, I never knew my great grandmother on that side. She died when my grandmother was a teenager (18, I believe) and my grandmother cared for her over the course of her illness.

I only mention these things because they are the things that I am certain of when it comes to my grandmother’s life. These are the things I will tell my children and grandchildren about my grandmother when the time comes that she will not be able to tell them herself. And I will tell them these things as long as I am able to do so.

To carry forward, I know that she was a nurse, trained by the nuns of some order I’m not quite certain of (but I want to say St. Anne’s in St. Joseph, MO). I know that she was in the program, along with a group of other girls her age, for three years. They dormed together, studied together, lived together for three long years. I know that she married very quickly out of school and was fearful that the nuns would be annoyed, since in that day and age marriage meant you no longer worked and, had they known she had a sweetheart, they’d have booted her out of the program for fear of wasting their time, energy and money on someone who would not actually use  the training.

I can say that my gram did, indeed, use the training and worked until retirement as a nurse (and, at times, a nursing instructor).

I can remember events that took place in my life time. Silly things like going with her to the old TG&Y as it went out of business and trying to stretch the $2 she gave me as far as I could to purchase trinkets there.I remember her sick in the hospital after having surgery telling me that I needed to take care of my mother and aunt. I remember her strength when grandpa had open heart surgery, her knowledge when my uncle ended up with diabetes and her pleasure at seeing all the young grandchildren and great grandchildren over the years.

I remember her advice on funerals (“We’re here to comfort people who are also experiencing loss, not to blubber on or act petty.”) Her thoughts on family troubles (“Sometimes it’s just easier to let things go… fighting shouldn’t be amongst family members.”) Her ideas on conflict (“Pick your battles. There are times when it just doesn’t matter and those can go… But, when it does matter, you must fight.”) and her thoughts on gossip (“What does it matter who she marries, what she wears or how she does her hair? We don’t have to live with it! ;D)

But most of all, I will remember her generosity. When I was sick, my grandmother stayed with me. When I couldn’t walk or take care of myself, she was there to help. When no one visited or cared outside of my home, my gram was there for me. I will never, can never forget that.

So, here’s to you, Grandma Arley, on your 83rd birthday. May the next year bring you all the things you want it to and none of the things you don’t.

~H

As the holiday season approaches, I find myself thinking of all the things I’ll have on my plate during the next few months. First there’s Halloween and El Dia De Los Muertos, with their scary costumes, sugar skulls and falling leaves. Then we have Thanksgiving, full of delicious dinners and family time… And finally, there’s Christmas and New Year’s, which are never complete without gift giving, song singing and lot’s of fun gatherings of all my favorite people!

… And all this piled on top of my newly registered business, my photography pursuits and my family’s needs and wants! Before I began feeling truly overwhelmed, I decided I’d better sit down and decide what my goals for the upcoming quarter really are.

Seasonal ToDo’s (Personal & Professional)

• Finish Kids’ Costumes

This is huge! Being big She-Ra fans, each has picked a character from the cartoon to mimic this year. Miranda is to be She-Ra herself, sword and all, while Mae has chosen Frosta with her blue hair and snowflake staff to emulate.

She-Ra: Miranda’s Inspiration	Frosta: Mae’s Inspiration

I think I’ve got a good bead on how I’m going to make them happen in a cost-effective manner.We’ve already got the wigs and I purchased body suits to go under so everyone stays warm (and non-wardrobe-malfunctional). I’ve also got a portion of Frosta’s blue leggings procured, I think. Now, onto the rest! With funds tight this year, cutting corners is a must, but I hope I can put together something pleasing for both girls! I’ll keep you posted via Facebook, Twitter and, of course, the blog as things progress, I’m sure!

• Seasonal Photography

I really need to get out and photograph some of the beautiful fall foliage, fun decorations, goblins, freaks or spooks and all the other stuff that really says “Fall” to me.

I’ve been looking through the festival calendars and have a few that I think would be best for the family and I to attend and that would give us a lot of great pics. I’ll be sure to post up my favs as they’re captured.

I’d also like to get some good winter shots as the season progresses. I mean, nothing gives good bokeh like Christmas lights!

• Get the Business in Order

My goals this season are to simply get established on Etsy, possibly put something together on Zazzle with Jas, and to figure out what I need to do the weekend art show circuit.

Since I only recently started my Etsy shop, I am looking for unique growth and promotion strategies and trying to figure out the best way to get my art noticed and items purchased.

I also hope to introduce some other items based on my photography, like tile coasters, hand bags or coin purses, jewelry and paintings/drawings, that can be purchased as gifts this holiday season.

Oh! And selling enough items to clear cost and propel some of my future artistic endeavors would be great!

• Help the Children Get Settled

We’ve been switching the children’s rooms around this month and I’d really like it all settled by the middle of October. We’ve gotten the toy room cleared out. (This in and of itself is a massive feat!) Now it’s on to Mae’s room, where we get all those toys, clothes, collectibles and other things sorted, thrown out, sent to Goodwill or filed away. Then, it’s on to Miranda’s room, where the same must happen along with moving her prized possessions into the old toy room, where she’ll have more space, brighter walls and, hopefully, a happier disposition!

The Toy Room After A MASSIVE Clean-up

Since everyone has full-time day jobs, we work on these projects primarily on our weekends since the day-to-day grind of housework, homework, product creation and school events takes up most of our week. Still, I think this is doable in 2-4 weekend days and everyone will be settled in their happy places before Halloween!

• Have a REAL Holiday Party

I’m hoping to host a holiday party for our friends to drop in, say “Hello” and have a drink or two… Maybe some other refreshment. I guess it’s more of a very casual, later-in-the-day, semi-cocktail party with light music and conversation, small gifts and prizes, some interesting beer, a few mixers and hors d’ovres? (What does one call this in the real world? :-/ ) I admit, my social skills are, at best, classified under “Awkward” and I don’t normally host get-togethers, because, honestly, I don’t have many to get together with! But I’m not all bad, once you get to know me (and if I am, then I’m bad in a good way, right?!) and Jas has a lot of friends and I’d like to host a party for them all to share some time with one another, throwing out the odd war story or spin a few new yarns.

I hoped the girls would play supervised hostess to any other children who might come, entertaining them in the upstairs play/media room we hope to put together once the rooms have been switched up.

(Ok, not quite like that… But you get the idea! )

• Art Stuffs & Reclaiming the Back Jungle

I’ve been working on an image that I hope will resonate with female mechanics, greasers and any girl who works on or enjoys classic cars of all ilks. The graphic is slow going, though, mostly because I feel like I have no where to be. My work room is full of Jason’s things and a gigantic mess that I can’t even muddle through. My living room, on any given day, looks like a tornado hit it, even after I’ve cleaned all day! (Thanks, Family ) and I really have no space to exist in my own home! I think it’s time to reclaim the back room, get Jas to sort through all the junk he’s piled in there and maybe, just maybe, carve out a little space for me. I mean, it is my house after all!

Wish me luck ,

~H