Wanderlust

Surreal
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I have been struck by the strong desire, NAY! I have been overtaken by the impressing need to travel lately. I can’t explain it, but just an hour ago I have entertained the fantastic notion of purchasing a plain ticket to, well, anywhere that’s not the US (and fairly temperate) and going there. RIGHT NOW! I have, over the course of the last few weeks, planned and re-planned vacations to England, Spain, Germany, Egypt, Tokyo that I will never have the means to take. I have poked and prodded and hemmed and hawed about the disdainful trip my family wants to take to the vomit-inducing, wallet emptying, and utterly fraudulent Disney, pushing instead for a real trip to real places…

I am truly considering foregoing the Disney trip and doing something else while the kids and Jas go and shake hands with fake princesses and roam the streets of fake Spain while the giganticorp hides rapes, assault, and theft beneath a lush green carpet of cash. Maybe I will take that drive to California I always thought would be great. Photographing the trek across the US in true Hollie style. Cruise up the coast and visit the Pacific Northwest before heading back home. Of course, that doesn’t settle well because of the time period. They are wanting to go around Christmas 2014 and that does not bode well for road trips in these parts. Maybe I’ll work through their vacation and take one of my own in the Spring or Fall. Maybe I’ll head to Europe and be a true fish out of water? Lot’s of possibilities here. (Of course, I will probably end up being shoehorned into Disney or staying at home.)

The Unhappiest Place On Earth
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Disney on Ice: The Unhappiest Place On Earth

 

This seems to be a trend with me. I get sick. I get scared. I get sicker still. I go introspective and, eventually, give up hope. Instead of fighting or ignoring my symptoms and pain, I start accepting my fate as a lonely, warped, sick person… This goes on for much longer than any person should have to deal with. It goes on so long that I actual write letters to all the people I want to remember me. I start planning my funeral and getting paperwork together (because I know that I can’t hang on much longer like this.) I finally get to a point where I KNOW I’d be better off dead and suspect so would most people in my life…

And then, like magic, I start feeling more like myself. A little scattered maybe. A little frumpier or more tired, but I start feeling slightly less raw around the edges. I begin building myself back up. I start being a little crazier. A little more impulsive. A little more fun.  And then, this need for metamorphosis hits me. A very real need to create, become, change, and travel hits me all at once.

Metamorphosis: I' class=
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Metamorphosis: I’m Turning Into a Bug…

 

Now, I must admit, this may be due to the meds. There are warnings all over the papers that this particular med, while it is less likely to kill me outright, does have a tendency to increase or intensify emotional and behavioral attributes and/or issues. So, slightly insecure becomes “THEY ARE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!” A little high strung becomes “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING JUST SITTING THERE?!” A few pounds too heavy becomes “YOU LOOK LIKE A RHYNO!” A severe dislike of confrontation turns into “RUN, RUNNER – THERE IS NO SANCTUARY!” Feelings that no one listens or you aren’t respected or no one cares become “YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW DAMMIT! I AM SO ALONE!” You get the picture. So, all these things inherent in me, whatever they might be are intensified, increased, almost advertised for the world. Little blips telling EVERYONE my issues and flaws… Great… :/

This is not my first Avonex Rodeo. I was on it for 3.5 years when I was first diagnosed. I didn’t have any troubles with the shots. Those were easy and offered some sort of ritual in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.But after I was off of it, I noticed there were behavioral differences¬† in me that I couldn’t really see at the time. Was that Avonex? Or was it just me? Am I different now due to the benefits of age and wisdom or was I that way then due to the influence of this ridiculous medication. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Only time will tell.

MinMax
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