And she thinks I’m too loud, but her friend finds me too quiet…

And I’m definitely too much on the whole…
but still not quite enough.

There are times when I’ve been handsome, beautiful even, when the mood strikes you… yet entirely too plain, too ugly, too average for most.

Let’s take note — I was too serious, yet far too funny… Too tough, too soft… Too friendly, yet distant… so very distant.

Sometimes I’m just too smart, too experienced, too informed, yet I know nothing, can’t hold my own, and am such a dumbass…

Tomorrow I’ll be just right, but today I’m just not?
Yesterday though… yesterday I was perfect… but still I wasn’t… just ask him.

And everyone has an opinion, like somehow my body, my personality, my actions, my very soul is up for debate, correction, change at the whim of the public, the call of the masses, the directive of the individual… the demand of you…

So fuck it, I think. Who cares what the collective you thinks, what you want, what you need…

Yet I do care! I want the world to voicelessly proclaim in silent adoration how much I’ve suffered, how greatly I’ve performed, how far I’ve exceeded expectation, how worthy I am of spoils beyond number for what I’ve done, what I will do… what I wish I’d done…

But realistically I know we are programmed to see the faults. We are designed to see what’s wrong, what can be better, what isn’t like us… or isn’t like how we’d like to see ourselves, more likely…

So I’ll simply continue to be too me…
And you can continue to be way too you…

And we’ll absolve ourselves to disagreeing about our general perfection and imperfection as we must… as we should.

1. Gym Motivation
2. Thigh Muscles
3. 25 Pounds
4. BMI
5. GLUTES
6. Bragging Rights
7. Bottle Opener Finisher’s Medal
8. Expensive Running Shoes
9. Focus
10. Proof I still Can!

Big Picture Goals: Run another 5K, Take a Great Vacation this Year, Retire by 55, Pay off the Car, Pay off the House

Goals for Today: Pay Bills, Balance Checkbook, Get Groceries & Gas, Post Up OWL PROWL Info, Get to the Gym

Gratitude: Today I’m grateful for Jas and my mom who facilitated retrieval of Thing 2′s forgotten flute in the middle of the night just in time for band class today! (I slept right through it but was wide-awake for this morning’s “OMG! I FORGOT MY FLUTE AT GRANDMA’S HOUSE!” moment bright and early at 6am!)

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So people ask me all the time:

       What did you do?

                      How did you do it?

                        How can I do it?

And I say the following canned response:

“I’m under a physician supervised diet and exercise program.
I eat between 800-900 calories /day on a normal day.
I work out, including strength & flexibility training,
most days of the week, if not all.”

It sounds so simple — maybe slightly less-than-healthy at times — but simple…

It’s not. It’s hard. It doesn’t always feel good. I’m hungry a lot, lol. My muscles ache more than they don’t. My hair falls out. My skin is loose. The metal in my body groans at me to just stop sometimes…
But I have to keep setting the bar higher to keep losing weight & gaining strength, speed, agility… To be the best me I can be. Why? MS. Age. Future Health. Etc…

…and that Physician Supervision? It’s a bi-annual visit where they check my status, tell me how amazingly well I’m doing, warn that my body will start to rebound whether I like it or not eventually… They do blood work. They check for issues and problems. Then I’m off to continue this path armed with their newest directive or tips, which are often less than helpful, lol!

So, I’ve had to do a lot of research to come up with a real plan – Attempting to make the most efficient use of my time, energy, and allotments is a 24/7 job and I don’t take it lightly. My time is valuable and none of us have enough of it to squander.

I try not to tell anyone how to do their thing, but I’ve been asked for specifics on more than one occasion, so I decided to share… For those who are curious

 ~ The Regime ~

Let’s start with the disclaimer: I’m not a doctor. What works for me may not, probably should not work for you. Please consult professionals before you jump on ANY band wagon, including mine!

Intake Goal: <900kc/day

This is a rough guideline. There are, of course, days where I eat over this amount and days where I eat way under — And there are days when I have a cupcake and nothing else until supper and others where I spend the evening out and drink more than my fair share of calories! But it’s a good idea of my intake on an average day.

• Breakfast: < 200kc: 1 Egg (hardboiled or microwaved or sometimes fried), 16 -32 oz coffee + 2tbsp Creamer, 2-4 Splenda
• Mid-morning Snack: ±100kc: Usually a Piece of Fruit (Usually a banana, apple, or orange, but whatever is in season or on sale is game.)
• Lunch: < 200kc: VARIES
  • Sample Option 1 – Tuna Packet (<100kc), Half Serving of Crackers, Croutons, Brushetta, or Chips (<100kc), Rockstar Recovery Lemonade (20kc)
  • Sample Option 2 – 1/2 cup of 2% Cottage Cheese + a Tablespoon of Tamed Jalapeños (<100kc), Fresh Vegetables or Half Serving of Crackers, Croutons, Brushetta, or Chips (<100kc), Rockstar Recovery Lemonade (20kc)
• Pre-or-post Workout Snack: ±100kc: Fresh Vegetables, Protein Shake (Must be less than 110kc) (They say protein within an hour before or after workout will help muscles ache less. Here’s to hoping! )
  • My favorite protein shake so far is My Bananas Foster KO – 1/2 scoop Banana Creme Quest Powder + 1/2 scoop Salted Caramel + 1/2 cup crushed ice + 1/2-3/4 cup cold water. Put all of it in a blender bottle or JAX bottle — ShAkE iT uP! and it’s pretty ok.
• Supper: < 300kc: VARIES WILDLY, but my portion needs to fall about between 300-400 kc. I shoot for lean proteins, vegetables, lesser carbs, but we all know that doesn’t always happen
• After Supper Snack (optional & infrequent): Cottage Cheese? Some Yogurt? Sometimes a Sweet Treat — My portion should not make me overshoot that 900kc cap for the day.
• Supplements: Vitamin D 5000iu x 4/day, One a Day multi x 1/day, Biotin x 4/day, B12 x 2 per day

Output Goal: >2500kc/day

This varies to fit the time I have available and I try to increase my strength goals by 2-5 pounds each week — But this is a good base for my bare minimum of activity if I expect to see any reasonable losses on a regular basis.

First the Music:

Note: I Jog/Walk. The slower songs sit at about 115 BPM, while the faster waver between 125 -135 BPM. They alternate so I have a run interval, followed by a walk interval cyclically until I’m finished.

I tend to zone out when I’m running or lifting – Slip into a state of hyperfocus that carries me through discomfort. Hey! I have a lot to think about and the rhythmic quality of my footsteps or the repetitive motion of the lift, plus the beat of my music makes it easier to sort stuff out in my ADHD mind.
(No, I’m not kidding. One of the side-effects of my MS is a very healthy dose of Attention Deficit. Medication does help, as does organization techniques and meditation, but insurance refuses to pay for the one medication that actually works for me… So the $500 per 30 pills means I have to spread it out. The last bottle I bought is nearing it’s expiration date, so that should tell you how few and far between I get to take it.)

Next, the Routine:

• Monday – BMR: 1650kc + Cardio Burn: 300-450kc + Strength Burn: 150kc = 2100-2250:
  • Strength: ARM DAY – Calorie Burn: 150kc:
    • Chest Press:
      • Set 1 – 35 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 30 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 3 – 25 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Lat Pull Down
      • 3 Sets – 50 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Bicep Curl
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Shoulder Press
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Seated Row
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Triceps Press
      • 3 Sets – 40 lbs, 16 Reps
  • Cardio – Calorie Burn 300-450kc:
    • 5 min warm up before strength
    • 2-3 Miles Distance Training for 5K in December after strength

• Tuesday- BMR: 1650kc + Class Burn: 200-300kc + Cardio Burn: 150-300kc = 2000-2250kc:
  • Strength
    • Group Class When Possible – Usually Pound @ the Y
  • Cardio – Calorie Burn 150-300kc:
    • 1-2 Miles Speed Training for 5K in December preferably outdoors

• Wednesday- BMR: 1650kc + Cardio Burn: 300-450kc + Strength Burn: 150kc = 2100-2250:
  • Strength: LEG DAY- Calorie Burn: 150kc:
    • Leg Extension:
      • Set 1 – 50 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 45 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 3 – 40 lbs, 10 Reps
    • Leg Curl
      • Set 1 – 60 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 55 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 3 – 50 lbs, 12 Reps
    • Thigh Adduction
      • 3 Sets – 55 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Thigh Abduction
      • Set 1 – 60 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 55 lbs, 15 Reps
      • Set 3 – 50 lbs, 12 Reps
    • Leg Press
      • Set 1 – 120 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 100 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 3 – 80 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Glute
      • 3 Sets – 15 lbs, 12 Reps
    • Calf Extensions
      • 3 Sets – 40 lbs, 16 Reps
  • Cardio – Calorie Burn 300-450kc:
    • 5 min warm up before strength
    • 2-3 Miles Distance Training for 5K in December after strength

• Thursday- BMR: 1650kc + Class  Burn: 150-250kc + Cardio Burn: 150-300kc:
  • Flexibility
    • Group Class When Possible. Otherwise yoga app!
  • Cardio – Calorie Burn 150-300kc:
    • 1-2 Miles Speed Training for 5K in December, preferably outdoors

• Friday – BMR: 1650kc + Cardio Burn: 300-450kc + Strength Burn: 150kc = 2100-2250:
  • Strength: ARM DAY – Calorie Burn: 150kc:
    • Chest Press:
      • Set 1 – 35 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 2 – 30 lbs, 16 Reps
      • Set 3 – 25 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Lat Pull Down
      • 3 Sets – 50 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Bicep Curl
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Shoulder Press
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Seated Row
      • 3 Sets – 20 lbs, 16 Reps
    • Triceps Press
      • 3 Sets – 40 lbs, 16 Reps
  • Cardio – Calorie Burn 300-450kc:
    • 5 min warm up before strength
    • 2-3 Miles Distance Training for 5K in December after strength

• Saturday – BMR: 1650 + Cardio Burn: 150-300kc = 1800 – 1950kc:
  • Cardio – 1-2 Miles Walk, Hike, or Bike

• Sunday – REST DAY – BMR: 1650 + Cardio: 100-200kc = 1750-1850kc:
  • Cardio – 1-2 Miles Walk or Hike

  ~•~

Only 35-40 more pounds to go. The end is in sight!
No. Defeat is not an option this time. It never was, really…  I just didn’t have the means before.
I remember telling an old friend that I truly believed anything was possible if I put my mind to it… But as I grew older, fatter, more worn, more tired — I just couldn’t. Now? I think I can again… and I’m not afraid — Not afraid to say “NO” and I’m not afraid to say “YES!” I’m not afraid of my opinions. I’m less afraid of repercussion. Less afraid of what you think. More confident. More able.

Everyday, I find pieces of 17-year-old Hollie, before the wreck, before hardship and disease, before adult life stood on her shoulders — and it feels good! (I mean, she’s the sauciest bitch I ever knew and if I’m gonna be trapped in here with anyone, lol, I’d want it to be that scrappy bit!)

~Hollie

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[wds id="2"]

Basics:

• Age: 36 – As old as Tinkerbell, who’s just God-awful old, according to Mae. (Long story, very silly…)
• Favorite Color: Blue
• Favorite Food: Indeterminate
• Favorite Activity: Playing Guitar and Singing
• Favorite Book: Full Dark, No Stars (King) – Need to find a new one. Any suggestions?
• Favorite Song: Too Many to Choose – Let’s Give a Shout Out to Dallas Frasca’s Better Without You, for now…

10 Highlights
Accomplishments. Best Memories.

• Really Learning to Play Guitar
• RockFest 2014
• Taking Voice Lessons
• Flowers Finished on my Upper Right Sleeve
• Connecting with Other Leaders in the GS Circle
• Favorite Memory: New Christmas Eve Traditions
• World Thinking Day 2014
• Helping Thing 1 Progress in School & Connecting More with My Girls
• Pursuing New Treatment Routes – Some failed, Some Rocked
• ~Private~

10 Disappointments
Failures. Missed Opportunities.

• Fitness Debacle
• Giving Up Voice Lessons
• Relationship Failures
• Hardest Thing This Year: Friendships Gone Awry
• NLE
• 365 Photo Challenge Falling to the Wayside
• Putting Trust in the Wrong People
• Not Knowing When to Give Up
• Medication & Insurance Coverage Blues
• Ripping My Abs Mid-summer

3 Game Changers
Unexpected Events that Changed Your Priorities.

• Disney Trip
• NLE
• Nuvigil

3 Things You Focused On
What you Put Most of Your Time Into.

• Girl Scouts / My Family
• Study & Performance of Music
• My Art / My Job

3 Things You Flubbed
Items forgotten or Didn’t Get Around To

• Live Performance in Public
• Completing the Ink on my Right Arm (Although, I did get about halfway there!)
• Finishing THE BUILDING (dah dah dah DUMMMmmm) for yet another year :/ (It’s almost done though!)

Lessons Learned
How does this inform your plans for next year?

• Be careful who you trust.
• You WILL NEVER make 100% of the people happy. In fact there is a large faction of folks that WILL NEVER be happy, no matter what you do!
• You don’t have to love your job to be successful at it.
• When I remain engaged and vigilant, things tend to end up more positively than otherwise.
• Sometimes things seem like a good idea at the time that end up being ridiculous later down the line.

Lot’s of things happened this year that, given the opportunity to go back and fix them, I would. However, knowing that regret is a nasty bedfellow and second chances are rare, I’ve decided to acknowledge those mistakes and to move forward with added knowledge, increased wisdom, a good attitude, and a generous heart.

2014 found me rediscovering my love of making music. I found that I really  love playing my guitar and have added to my collection by purchasing several new ones. (Yes, that brings the total to 5 – the original Fender Strat, 2 Les Paul Style, and a Hollow-body + a gorgeous Luna electric/acoustic.) It also found me taking voice lessons from a very talented instructor that I ended up squandering near the end and giving up due to financial hardship mid-way through the year.

I discovered that I really like being a GS leader and I like sharing all these great ideas with my troop. I also like being a part of the more encompassing areas of the GS model and hope that it continues.

I also discovered that sometimes new meds aren’t all that great for you… like Techfidera and it’s propensity to put on weight, make you lethargic, and just end up plain miserable… and some that are, like Nuvigil, which has made me feel like a real person again – when I can afford to take it. ($600 / month with no insurance coverage for it and no financial aid from the manufacturer at this point. That means I have to make a month supply last 3 or more… But the difference in my quality of life on the days I can take it make it all worth it.)

And finally I realized just how much I enjoy my children. We spent countless hours together this year making discoveries, cracking jokes, and being happy. I wouldn’t trade them for the world!

Let’s hope next year will see me a happier, healthier specimen ready to conquer the world! ;D

So, it’s time for summer break and all the kiddies are out of school for a few weeks, including me! During the school year, I’m constantly shooting. Assignments here, extra shoots there… There really is a lot of opportunity to shoot and keep shooting all day long!

But during these lulls when the kids are home from school and I don’t have a pressing need, beyond personal drive, to pursue photographic opportunities, I find myself stagnating. It’s so easy to just sit back and let the summer slide by without a care in the world. Still, I know that letting those weeks slide by without shooting allows my edge and opportunity to slip away as well! (Not to mention that camera unfamiliarity creeps back in when I’m not using it on a daily basis.)

So, how do we keep shooting with no definite direction in sight? What do we do when there’s no client requests or scholarly assignments to point us in a solid direction? Well, we just have to find out own way, of course!

Five Photo Ideas to Help You Break the Rut:

1. Look to the Season

Right now where I am, it’s summer: Hot, muggy summer. I don’t know about you, but there are a million things

Not summer where you are? What about taking a fall foliage scouting trip or a winter sledding adventure? Again, endless opportunities exist based on the season, you need but to put those creative lenses on and look around.

2. Speaking of Festivities…

In this part of the country, there is always some sort of festival going on. Two weeks ago, there was the Polish

to promote bicycle safety with hundreds of small children running about with brightly colored bike helmets on their heads.

Read the local rag’s events section and you’ll end up with a variety of interesting events and festivals that will offer a cornucopia of photo opps you’d not have otherwise.

3. Keep it Still

I know every photographer has had that moment when they see something in their home and think,”That would make a really interesting photograph.” Then they push it to the back of their mind, thinking they’ll come back to it later. Well, now’s your chance to make it happen!

Grab a few interesting objects around your home and start experimenting. Try natural light through a window, then tungsten light from a bare bulb. Perhaps set your pieces up on the front steps. Change lenses, gels, gobos, light sources, reflectors, you name it. Make it a goal to do a whole set of images surrounding this one group of objects or even a single object.

I’ve personally done this using a single Baby Brownie Special, some off white balance and a variety of light sources and lenses, to create a pleasing group of images. I’ve also been known to take fruit or vegetables and simply spend an hour exploring them through lens and light with spectacular and surprising results.

4. Everybody Eats

Photographing food is a real art and something that takes a bit of practice, a bit of experimentation and a bit of good, old-fashioned, work!

Set aside an afternoon and make a delicious, 4-course meal and photograph it each step of the way. Or simply make an old fashioned PB&J with the crusts cut off and photograph the process. Ask your children or the neighbor kids over and have them help make ice cream the old fashioned way, with the hand-turned crank, in the back yard. Bake a cake or decorate cupcakes. Whatever you wish, but photograph the heck out of it.

Try to capture the color and feel of a piece of fruit or a boiled potato. Experiment with different lighting techniques to add a glisten to a berry or highlight the fluff in a whipped mouse. Try to show us those things in new and different ways.

5. Take a Hike

When I’m really feeling lost for subjects, I take a walk in one of my favorite areas: The old downtown square. Walking along it’s sidewalks, I feel the meshing of old and new with every step. Old shops that are either closed or have been there for 50 years meet new, hip clothing boutiques and trend shops. Even the people you meet seem as if placed there just to offer a juxtaposition between old and new. Street photography is at it’s best here and I try to use that to my advantage.

Or, I’ll head out to the country and take a walk on my grandparents farm. Along the creek bed, there are many, many interesting sites to see and photograph. Landscapes of rolling hills and long green grass are available and finding a new way to express these familiar sights is part of the fun here.

Perhaps you simply want to take a short jaunt around the block. A neighbor’s unique mailbox could make the perfect subject for your next image or maybe shooting that image you’ve seen in your head a million times of the house on the hill will spark new ideas for you to try.

Remember, there is always something happening for you to photograph. From setting up your own still life to shooting a heated political rally, each and every single day has a photo to take and a story for your lens to tell.

Good luck and keep shooting,

~H

All Photographs & Text ©Hollie A Miller & ©Clockwork Creation Machine