Asking me to think slower, respond slower, react slower is like asking me to… not be me, lol…
I’ve been thinking about this ever since you got mad at me over it a couple months ago and I had a really hard time wrapping my head around it then and I still do now…

(This is, of course, my failing as I lack the mental and emotional bits and pieces to understand the anger over it. I try… but I am too limited in my acceptance of others’ issues to allow me to condemn someone for being what their true nature dictates. For example, I can be upset with them, love them, any of a million things with them… but in the end, I understand that telling a camel to be a swan just isn’t going to happen and I can only be angry at myself for asking that poor camel to try.)

In more immediate terms: I don’t ask you to change who you are to interact with me. Do you really want me to stop being me so that your interactions with me are more inline with your own? If I change how I am, who I am just for you, then doesn’t that negate the reasons you liked me to begin with? Can’t you recognize the amount of throttling I have to do to squelch who I am already? Can’t you see that I’m trying to accommodate your wishes every time I write something?

—–

I hate being left behind.

Not because I’m alone, but because it means I’m exactly what I always feared:

Forgettable.

~H

A part of me kinda wishes I DID look like the rotting corpse/demon I’ve created for myself..

There’s something soothing about knowing you don’t have to attempt any sort of beauty when there is none. No trying to look healthy or fit when there’s none to be had… Just rotting, sculpted flesh with no pretenses of beauty or societal influence beyond horror and avoidance.

Often it is both at the very same time.